Reflection, four years ago...

I wanted to write yesterday, but got a bit busy. Besides, if I wait until today to
post I can add a happy bit to the story.

Yesterday was the fourth anniversary of almost losing Emma. It was the first time she stopped breathing on us, and her heart stopped. She was a little bitty thing back then, not much more than 5 lbs. She had been home for close to a month, trached and doing well. I was sleeping and Dad got up to check on her, change her diaper that sort of thing. Suddenly I hear alarms and him yelling "Get up now her sats are dropping bad!" I ran and maxed out the oxygen, and called 911. In the mean time her pulse ox machine that measures her heart and oxygen read O and O. So Daddy started CPR. I remember screaming at 911 "Hurry Hurry" and "This can't be happening, I am not ready, I can't say goodbye, I am not ready". I have never cried so hard in my life, or been more scared. I prayed hard, and loud and full of tears that God would take me and spare my little girl.

We got her heart going, 911 took her to the hospital and brought me as well. The police car I was in made it before she did, which really made me worry. A chaplin was brought in, that REALLY made me worry. I finally got into see my baby, they had her on a vent, and she was doing well considering. I remember rubbing her hair and telling her it was ok, that I was there. "Mommy's here, Mommy's here baby girl".

My mom came up, they had to tranport Emma to Tulsa to an ICU there because the ones in Oklahoma City were full. They took her by helicopter. My mom and I went to the roof and watched them take her away. I remember telling the EMT if she got scared to rub her hair, that is what she liked. She promised she would.

Emma spent a week or so in the hospital, with no idea why she stopped breathing. Little did I know it would be the begining of a nightmare for the next few months, until we got our ventilator.

Now I did say I could add a happy part didn't I? The Happy news is, with all the scare we had. On this day. Jan 27, 2005 Emma got baptized! Now I am not sure how I feel about infant baptism it wasn't really how I raised, but Emma's brain will probably never allow her to make that choice herself, so I think God makes exceptions for people like her anyway. I really felt a strong urge to have her baptized, I don't know why. Maybe I felt it would give her more a fighting chance? Maybe I just needed that kind of comfort? I don't know really, my heart and mind were in such despair that day. She got baptized wearing nothing but a diaper, by a wonderful nun at St Francis in Tulsa, she did a Christian baptism, not a catholic one. It was just me and Emma, a very spiritual thing that I can't even begin to explain.

4 years later, I can look back and see that I had the worst day of my life followed by one of the most intensely wonderful days ever. God blesses us at the hardest times in our lives, it took me four years to realize that. He breathed life back into my baby girl, in more ways that one. She is here by his grace, and for that I can never say thank you enough.

The above pictures were taken around the time this story took place. The first one was taken 2 weeks later, on her SECOND trip for apnea. Yep 2 trips in 2 weeks, it began the cycle of 2 weeks home and a week at hospital, 4 days home a week in the hospital, etc you get the idea. The second picture isn't dated but I am sure its probably about a week before her first big scare.