Another snowday

Tomorrow will be snowday number 3 for Derek due to all the ice. Which is a good thing, becuase no sooner did I write that sentence, did I have to stop and go check on him. He threw up.I am not sure why, he is half asleep and says he feels fine. I hope that stomach flu is not back for round 3 on our house!

It has been so cold, we have just stayed inside. Not much going on anyway. I did get out and go up to the store yesterday, and it was a slippery walk that is for sure. A few cars were sliding and I saw one truck stuck.

I am so glad we have not lost power, like we did back in Dec of 2007. That was a mess. Tomorrow is supposed to start melting the stuff, I sure hope so. We got about a half inch or so of ice and about 2 inches of solid sleet on top of that. The above pic is of a plow cleaning my street, just right up the road from here. I borrowed it from our news paper. I am not taking any pictures myself right now outside, too cold!

We should have our last w2 this week so we can file taxes. I ask that everyone please pray or send us good thoughts so that we may find an affordable place to move close to where we are now. We need more room. 2 bedrooms for 5 people is no fun. Emma and Ella will be sharing a room with any luck and Derek will have his own. Too many arguments have been caused by him having to share a room with Ella, its time they stop being room mates. I want to stay in this area so we don't have to switch churches and so we stay close to the stores. When you don't own a car you have to think about all the changes involved in moving way across town! I will keep everyone updated on our search as we begin to look in the next few weeks.

Reflection, four years ago...

I wanted to write yesterday, but got a bit busy. Besides, if I wait until today to
post I can add a happy bit to the story.

Yesterday was the fourth anniversary of almost losing Emma. It was the first time she stopped breathing on us, and her heart stopped. She was a little bitty thing back then, not much more than 5 lbs. She had been home for close to a month, trached and doing well. I was sleeping and Dad got up to check on her, change her diaper that sort of thing. Suddenly I hear alarms and him yelling "Get up now her sats are dropping bad!" I ran and maxed out the oxygen, and called 911. In the mean time her pulse ox machine that measures her heart and oxygen read O and O. So Daddy started CPR. I remember screaming at 911 "Hurry Hurry" and "This can't be happening, I am not ready, I can't say goodbye, I am not ready". I have never cried so hard in my life, or been more scared. I prayed hard, and loud and full of tears that God would take me and spare my little girl.

We got her heart going, 911 took her to the hospital and brought me as well. The police car I was in made it before she did, which really made me worry. A chaplin was brought in, that REALLY made me worry. I finally got into see my baby, they had her on a vent, and she was doing well considering. I remember rubbing her hair and telling her it was ok, that I was there. "Mommy's here, Mommy's here baby girl".

My mom came up, they had to tranport Emma to Tulsa to an ICU there because the ones in Oklahoma City were full. They took her by helicopter. My mom and I went to the roof and watched them take her away. I remember telling the EMT if she got scared to rub her hair, that is what she liked. She promised she would.

Emma spent a week or so in the hospital, with no idea why she stopped breathing. Little did I know it would be the begining of a nightmare for the next few months, until we got our ventilator.

Now I did say I could add a happy part didn't I? The Happy news is, with all the scare we had. On this day. Jan 27, 2005 Emma got baptized! Now I am not sure how I feel about infant baptism it wasn't really how I raised, but Emma's brain will probably never allow her to make that choice herself, so I think God makes exceptions for people like her anyway. I really felt a strong urge to have her baptized, I don't know why. Maybe I felt it would give her more a fighting chance? Maybe I just needed that kind of comfort? I don't know really, my heart and mind were in such despair that day. She got baptized wearing nothing but a diaper, by a wonderful nun at St Francis in Tulsa, she did a Christian baptism, not a catholic one. It was just me and Emma, a very spiritual thing that I can't even begin to explain.

4 years later, I can look back and see that I had the worst day of my life followed by one of the most intensely wonderful days ever. God blesses us at the hardest times in our lives, it took me four years to realize that. He breathed life back into my baby girl, in more ways that one. She is here by his grace, and for that I can never say thank you enough.

The above pictures were taken around the time this story took place. The first one was taken 2 weeks later, on her SECOND trip for apnea. Yep 2 trips in 2 weeks, it began the cycle of 2 weeks home and a week at hospital, 4 days home a week in the hospital, etc you get the idea. The second picture isn't dated but I am sure its probably about a week before her first big scare.

Random thoughts on prayer...

Ever wonder if you are praying for the wrong thing? I was thinking today in church about what I really want and what I am praying for. I watched a show last night on tv called "Prayers for Bobby" about a homosexual man who killed himself after being denied by his family. Not sure how I got to watching it, but I did and it was very thought provoking. Now I am not saying I agree with the things it was about, or that homosexuals are born or not born gay or can change, or anything like that but it got my mind thinking about what I pray for.

When Bobby told his parents his he gay his mother got a therapist and prayed for him to change. To go away from sin and to change who he was to "fix him". Later, after he killed himself she said she should have prayed for his happiness and acceptance . That one scence "I prayed for the wrong thing" got me thinking.

So as I was sitting in church today, getting ready to pray for my daily prayer of "Give Emma a miracle" I realized something. I am praying for the wrong thing! God already gave Emma a miracle. He gave her life. She faught in the NICU and by his grace won, it was his plan to send her home to us. Her heart stopped and he gave her the strength to fight and stay with us. So why am I praying for what we already have?! We already have our miracle.

I have prayed her whole life for God to "fix her" not because I don't love who she is, but because I wanted her to have all the chances the other kids have. No one wants to see their kid with a trach and a vent, its hard. I prayed so hard, thinking like Matthew 21:22 said ""And all things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive." If I prayed hard enough she would be fixed. But God doesn't always answer our prayers like we think. God hasn't made her walk and talk, but God gave her life, he gave her a chance. That is her miracle. I just had to open my eyes and my heart to God and see he had already answered my prayer.

I believe in miracles don't get me wrong. But I think with a realistic brain too sometimes. Emma has brain damage, nothing will ever change that. I do hope one day with God's help she will walk and talk and do a few things, but I know she will NEVER be normal. I accept that, and its Ok. She is who she is, and she is the best Emma she can be. No disappointment from this Momma, just lots and lots of pride in my girl.

I prayed during my pregnancy for two live babies, after being told there was a 50% chance that one or both would die. Again I prayed for the wrong thing. I should have prayed for for healthy babies, or the strength to handle a "bad" outcome. It was God's will though to send me a daughter like Emma, so I could learn new things and so she could touch the lives of others. I accept that and I actually thank him for that, I know that sounds crazy but I do. Its changed alot of who I am for the better.

So what do I want for Emma? What should I pray for? Of course I will pray for continued health that is a given. But I am going to pray that each day is a blessing to her and that she will bless those who she sees or touches that day, including you blog readers of course! That is all I want for Emma to feel continually blessed and for her to touch the lives of as many people as she can. To make people more tolerant of those who are diffrent, for them to accept her for who she is and for them to feel a little bit of her love. I want people to look at her and not see her machines. I want them to look at her and see her as the miracle she is, she is living proof their is a God and he is very very good. I hope people will see that.

Sorry so long winded, have a lot on my mind I wanted to share. Thank you again for reading and praying for us!

New Look and quick update

Got a new look! I know the banner is missing some punctuation before the s in girls, but it was such a pain getting it sized that I don't feel like fixing it yet! But I will soon. If you like the actual layout you can find it and many more at LeeLou's blogs, there is a link at the very bottom of this blog, just click the picture. Don't forget to comment and let me know what you think!

Not much going on, Derek and I went to see Dinosaur's Live Walking with Dinosaurs on Wed. It was neat. The dinosaurs are robotic and very very big. One was like 35 feet tall. We had fun, and went to Bass Pro Shop and to the Myraid Gardens and Spaghetti Warehouse, Derek got sick and threw up at dinner. Too bad too because the food was amazing. He missed school yesterday but is doing better now.

Emma's physical therapist Amy has moved on to another company (WE WILL MISS YOU!) and we have been put on a waiting list for therapy at the JD McCarty center. Once they hire someone to take over Amy's case load we will be going again. That may be summer time. I hate to miss so much, but what can you do? We thought of following Amy to her new company, but its home based and we really like going out to JD McCarty, its a good place for Emma to get out and see other kids and for us to meet and socialize with other parents that are going through similar things as us.

Ella is just getting over the stomach flu too, I think everytime we get well someone else gets sick and it starts all over again. I will be so glad when cold and tummy flu and icky germ "season" is over.

Could everyone please find it in their hearts to pray for my friends the Morris Family? Today is the 2nd annivesary of the death of their son Joel. I know it will be a hard day for them. They are wonderful people and I hope the Lord will grant them comofort and strength today.

"Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. . . . For I the LORD thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee. "
Isaiah 41:10,

Something from a book I am reading

I am currently reading a wonderful book called "Recovering from Losses in Life" by H Norman Wright. Its a Christian grief book. I wanted to recommend it to anyway who has lost something in life, not just a death but a job, a home, whatever you need help moving on from. Its great so far. It talks about not only big losses but losses you might not realize you even have. Please check it out.

In the book he quotes another book which is "Loses in Later Life" by R. Scott Sullender. I will have to go find that to read, it looks good, but I wanted to share part of it with you. I really reminds me of Emma and how everyone needs to learn patience and tolerance of those around them. It is a great take on taking a loss and turning it into a gain. Its kind of long, but I hope you will read through it all.

There is a handicapped person in your future: you! Handicapped persons are dealing in the present moment with what you and I will have to deal with later. Sooner or later each of us will have to deal with one or several loses in our health. Then we will travel down the same path that the handicapped person currently walks. Then we will know their pain, frustration and sufferings. Perhaps if we would learn from them now, whatever our age, we would be better prepared for our own future.

Handicapped persons teach us that life is more than a body. They demonstrate the truth of all the great religions that the things that make us truly human and truly divine are not physical qualities. They are qualities of the Spirit. Saint Paul listed a few of these qualities: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control (Galatians 5:22. Jesus listed a few more:meekness, peacemaking, purity of heart, mercy, hunger for righteousness, suffering in a right cause (Matthew 5: 3-10). Neither of them mentioned physical beauty or even physical health. The qualities that save us do not include the shape of our bodies.

Handicapped persons also can teach us how to suffer and how to rise above bodily limitations. Sometimes pain cannot be fixed, nor can all limitations be conquered. Most of us will have to deal with pain and limitations, at first in minor ways and later in major ways. We will learn new meanings for the word "courage". Either we will rise above our limitations and learn to live with them or we shall sink to new lows of despair, bitterness and helplessness. The choice depends largely on the strength of our courage.

In a sense, then, a handicap or loss of health can become a gift. It never starts out that way. Initially it is a horrible loss. If through the loss, however, we can nurture our spiritual qualities and learn the art of suffering well, then we will have transformed our loss into a gain. We will have grown in and through our loss. We will have risen above our loss precisely by not letting it defeat us, but by letting to propel us forward into a more advanced stage of human existence. Admittedly, not everyone makes such a major leap forward. Neither have some human beings made it past a Sunday school theology. Yet, the loss of health in later life, as horrible as it seems, can be the opportunity for growing toward an ever greater level of spiritual maturity.

Not Double Trouble but twice blessed...

Anyone that knows me, knows as a twin myself I never really thought the idea of having twins sounded all that fun. But what a blessing it has been to have Emma and Ella. They have a very unique relationship and I love watching it grow every day.

Ella is always trying to help take care of Emma, or running over to talk to her, and doesn't think twice about wiping Emma's drooly mouth. She loves to kiss her. The other day they sat on the couch with a toy and Ella moved Emma's arm to help her play with it! It was so cute, and she was very gentle.

Here are a few pics of the girls I snapped.

Remembering

"Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live" --John 11:25

In Loving Memory of Emma's Grandpa Jackie, my dad, who passed away 26 years ago today.

No title today, I am not that creative

Wanted to do a little update, Emma is doing great. Same ol' same ol' with her, just growing and being sweet every single day. But Mommy and brother have the tummy flu. I think I am almost better but now Derek is feeling icky. Yesterday was a rough day for him anyway, he got his very first splinter. He was brave getting it out, but shed several tears. That sucker was really stuck in there! He kept telling me thank you for holding is other hand, and thank you to Daddy for getting it out. It was so cute. I am posting pics of his day yesterday, because very rarely do I get half decent pics of him. He isn't smiling in them, he never does smile for pictures, I think he gets that from his Daddy! I added 2 from the other day (light blue shirt) he had gotten a haircut and as a reward for doing so good got to spend money at the dollar store. He got a little joke kit that had the glasses/nose in it. He had some fun walking home with those on

Not much else going on around here, just getting ready for the National Championship football game on Thur. GO SOONERS! We plan on cooking out and enjoying the game here at home.

Day at the duck pond

Emma and I went to the duck pond today. She slept through much of it once she realized the ducks were NOT going to come see is no matter what we did. We brought food for the ducks but because it was warm everyone else had already fed them. The pond was a busy place today. I took a few videos and pics, it was so windy the videos are hard to hear, but I am going to post the one of Emma fussing in her sleep so everyone here can hear her cute little voice!She even gets mad right at the end of the clip, its sad but adorable all at the same time.


Emma fussing in her sleep

I made a virtual scrapbook for Emma, a review of her 2008. I hope everyone likes it. Have a blessed 2009!

Make a Smilebox scrapbook